As human beings, it is normal to want to look good, to give things, and to experience success for example. And yet, it is also possible for one to engage in each of these things just to impress others. To do this from time to time could be described as normal, but if one was to do this as a way of life, it is not going to be healthy. If one does do this as a way of life, they are going to end up being disconnected from their own needs and wants for one thing. Ones priority is then not following their own truth, it is gaining the approval of other people. Now, this could relate to their friends and family and it can also include people that one doesn’t even know. It could be irrelevant who one impresses; as long as they do impress others. This shows that their attention is external and not internal. At times, what one does is going to impress others, but there will also be times when it won’t. Personal Power Through looking towards others as a way of life and ignoring their own truth, they are going to end up giving their personal power away. So the people that one knows and the people that they don’t know are going to be in control of one’s life. And this won’t be the only thing that they have no control over, it is also going to affect how they feel. If ones actions do impress others they will be fine, but if they don’t, one could end up being all over the place. Emotional Instability To avoid feeling a certain way, one is going to do all they can to look good in the eyes of other people. When this doesn’t happen, one could feel really low and then before long, they could start doing something else to try to impress others. The whole thing could become a vicious cycle and one will feel like they’re on a treadmill that never stops. And all the while that one is gaining the responses they want; they are going to be fine. The Challenge One of the biggest problems here is that it is not going to possible for one to always impress others. And what impresses someone at one moment might not impress them in the next; with there being the chance that one might need to do even more just to get the same reaction as time goes by. However, although it is clear to see that this is something that is only going to cause problems and distract one from what truly matters, there is a benefit to this behaviour. So while impressing others will cause one to experience pain, it will also allow them to feel good. Ending The Game And all the time one is gaining the feedback they desire from others, it is highly unlikely that they are going to put an end up this game. This is understandable; for if one experiences more pleasure than pain, then why would they do anything different? At least two occurrences could put an end to this game. The first is that one starts to have experiences where they can no longer impress others, and this is going to stand out if they are used to impressing others. Another thing that could do it is if ones awareness increases and they see this dynamic for what it is. Out Of Balance And when one is gaining the approval of others, through impressing them, it is going to be for what they are doing and not for who they are. Now, if what one was doing was an expression of their true self, then this approval would healthy. But as this approval is for what one is doing, and what one is doing is a result of their need to meet other people’s needs and not their own, it means that their relationships with others are going to be out of balance. Being And Doing One is then not being themselves and having people in their life who value them for who they are. The people in their life might only be there because of what one does and not for who they are. And all the time one is in a place of doing and not being, they are not giving other people the chance to value who they really are. Their behaviour is going to attract people who resonate with the role they play and not for who they really are. Self Worth When one feels the need to always impress others in order to be accepted, it is probably because they feel that other people won’t accept them for who they are. They are likely to feel as though they are not enough and that in order to be enough, they need to constantly impress others. Childhood And one reason they feel this way can be due to how they were treated during their childhood. Their caregivers may have only accepted them when they did what they wanted and not for who they were. This then sets them up to believe that their worth is based on what they do and not on who they are. To be brought up this way would have caused one to feel worthless and that they are not good enough. Awareness Time will have passed, but all the time the emotional experience of the past stays in one’s body, one is still going to feel the same. These trapped emotions will need to be released and one might need to receive the validation that they didn’t receive all those years ago. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Behind the desire to achieve and to have more can be the need for someone to fulfil their own wants and needs. And other people are also going to provide inspiration. No one is their own island and it is only natural that other people are going to play a part in what one does or doesn’t do in life. But while other people will play a part it what one does with their life, there is also the chance that one will allow their whole life to be defined by others. Disconnected This means that one could end up being disconnected from their true self and place their attention on what other people are doing. Now, this could mean that one ends up following other people or it could mean that one does all they can to come to be better than others. Ones whole life could be designed in this way and therefore, every action one takes is intended to show how superior they are to others. Or this need could be something that only arises during certain situations. Beyond Appearances However, no matter what one owns or how successful they are, they are never going to be better than anyone else. Inherently, each and every one of us has the same value. Of course, some people may have more or have achieved more, but these are all external occurrences. And in order to attain something or to achieve something, one will need the assistance of other people. These people are likely to be unknown and one will take all the credit and yet, they have still played a part. Being Better When one is motivated to be better than others, there is the chance that they will be unaware of the fact that being better or worse is nothing more than an illusion. And how it is something they have created in their mind and not something that reflects reality. So through being unaware of this fact, they are going to do all they can to outdo others. But if one has this outlook all the time, there is the chance that it is not only going to isolate them from others, but that they are going to be out of touch with themselves. Other people could see them as being cold and insecure. And this person could have no idea what really matters to them – beyond trying to look better than others. Highly Competent However, just because someone has this need, it doesn’t mean that other people always notice it. Through having the need to be better than others, one could just come across as being highly competent in one area of their life or a number of areas. In this case, one could end up being admired by others and come across as an example to follow. But no matter how they are viewed or how connected or disconnected they are from themselves, their worth is being defined by others. Worthless And the fact that one needs to be better than others shows that they actually feel less than others. If they didn’t feel less than others they wouldn’t have the need to be more than others. Now, this can be hard to believe; especially as they might have achieved and attained so much. When one feels worthless within there is going to be three options. One can either: let these feelings control their life and sabotage their life; push these feelings out of their mind and achieve monumental success or deal with these feelings and fulfil their true needs and wants. Emotional Regulation Doing things that allow one to outshine others or thinking in ways that allow one to feel better than others enables one to regulate how they feel. But as these feelings are still there, it means that one will continually have to outshine others and think in the same ways, or they will have to face how they really feel. The feedback of others, in regards to how good they are, plays a significant role here. If other people didn’t provide this, there is the chance that one would have to face their emotional truth. What Happened? Even though someone can feel worthless at a deeper level and cover this feeling up by doing all they can to be better than others, in ways they aware and unaware of, there is a reason they feel this way. And while it could be due to what has happened to them in their adult years, it is likely to be the result of what happened during their childhood. This is likely to have been a time where one was made to feel ashamed of who they were and not accepted unconditionally. Childhood Perhaps ones caregivers only loved them when they did what they wanted or achieved something. One may have been abused in some way and through this abuse, came to believe they were worthless. And the reason this person channelled their pain into being a success and not a failure, could be because there was someone around at the time who treated them differently. They may have been around on a consistent basis or only for a short period of time. Awareness These experiences have caused one to feel worthless. And although many years have passed, the emotional experience has stayed in their body. These feelings will need to be released and this can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. They will also provide the positive regard that one didn’t get growing up and this can be just as important as it is for them to let go of their trapped emotions.
While some people can feel worthy as a result of they are, other people can only feel worthy as a result of what they do. In the first case, ones worth has been internalised, and in the other, their worth is based on external factors. So the first person can just be and feel valuable without having to do anything. What they do is then a reflection of the value they feel and not something they do in order to feel valuable. However, when it comes to the second person, the only way that they can feel valuable is if they are doing something. And what they do is then a reflection of the fact they don’t feel valuable and not because they feel valuable. Inherent Worth On the inside, each and every one of us has the same worth. One person may have something society values and another person may not, or one person may have attained more money than someone else, but this does not mean that one person is therefore more valuable than someone else. And yet in today’s world, not everyone is seen as having the same value. This outlook causes some people to be treated with respect and others to be treated without respect. People are often viewed as objects that can be used and abused; with them being seen as nothing more than a means to an end. Doing When ones worth is based on what they do and not on who they are, they are going to be used to living a life that is based on doing and not being. For if they are not doing something or achieving some kind of goal, there is the chance that they will feel uncomfortable. Their actions are then a way for them to regulate their feelings of having no value and of being worthless. Whereas as if they felt valuable without doing anything, they would be able to just be. Being This is not to say that one would therefore sit around doing nothing and have nothing to show for their time on this planet. What it means is that they are able to let go and to relax, without feeling that their self worth is under threat unless they are constantly doing something or on the verge of some kind achievement If ones worth is not based on what they achieve, it will be possible for them to let go and to not get attached to an outcome. This will enable them to stay focused on the steps that lead up to their goal and to enjoy it once they have achieved it. And as one is not attached to what they desire, it can mean that one finds it easier attract what they desire into their life. For when one is attached to something, it can not only cause them to push it away, it can also cause one to use more energy to attract it. Never Ending But when one believes their value is based on what they do, it is going to be about the outcome and not the journey. It might not matter what one achieves, as long as they achieve something. And once they do achieve something, it will be short-lived; simply because their attention will go onto the next thing that will take away their discomfort and give them a boost. As it might not matter what one achieves as long as they are successful, it could mean that one ends up achieving things that are not important to them. What’s Going On? Although this whole dynamic can seem normal and just how life is, it is there for a reason. When ones feels valuable for who they are opposed to what they do, they are going to view success differently. It won’t be something they have to achieve in order to feel worthy; it will just be a consequence of the actions that they are taking. This doesn’t mean that one consciously knows that they only feel valuable when they are successful, as it could take place without them even realising it. Worthless So if one only feels worthy when they are successful, there is the chance that they feel worthless at a deeper level. And when there is the feeling of being worthless, shame is not going to be too far away. At one point in their life they would have learnt that it is only possible for them to be loved for what they do and not for who they are. But this is not love either; as it would have caused one to create a false self. Childhood This could be due to what has happen in ones adult years, but it is likely to be due to what happened in their childhood. During this time, there is the chance that one had to fulfil the wants and needs of their caregiver/s. One was then seen as an extension of their caregiver/s and not as a separate being. And if they fulfilled their wants and needs one would have been made to feel valuable. So it was conditional, and not something one felt no matter what they did or didn’t do. As An Adult So one would have learnt that whether they are accepted or not, depends on what they do. And because of this, one then continues to behave in the same way as an adult; with the hope that they will gain the love they didn’t receive as a child. This will all take place unconsciously. If one is successful, there is the chance that other people will respond favourable to them. However, it is still going to be for what they do and not for who they are. So years will have passed and yet the same story is still being played out. Awareness These early experiences would have caused one to experience emotional pain and to miss out on the love they desperately needed in order to feel worthy for who they are. This emotional pain will need to be released from one’s body and they will also need to receive the validation that they missed out on all those years ago. A therapist or a healer can assist one in this process.
While some people feel accepted for who they are, there are other people who only feel accepted when they are pleasing other people. This could be something they are consciously aware of, or it could be something they are completely oblivious to. But there are going to be clear distinctions in how each person behaves. When one feels accepted for who they are, they are not going to have the need to please others people. At times they might do what other people want, but this will be a choice and not something they have no control over. Their value will not be based on whether other people accept them or not, it will be something they define. Pleasing Others Whereas when one only feels accepted when they are pleasing others, they are going to have do what other people want or what they think they want in order to feel valuable. Through doing this, they will believe that other people will accept them, and at times this may work. But this means that their value is defined by other people and is not something they have control over. They are giving their power away and allowing other people to control their life. This is not going to make one feel empowered and they are only going to suffer. Normal But even though behaving on this way is not enhancing ones wellbeing, it can be what is normal. One could have done this for their whole life or for most of it; it is then something they do without thinking. And while not pleasing others could cause one to feel worthless and that they have no value, when they do please others, it is likely to make them feel good. Their sense of self worth will rise and everything in their life could be fine for a while. Short Lived Even if one constantly does what other people want, they are still going to have moments when they feel worthless; simply because it is not possible to always please others. What pleases another person at one point in time could displease them at another. Human beings are changeable and therefore what they want and need is going to change from one moment to the next. So if one is constantly looking towards other people to define how valuable they are, they are not going to be standing on stable ground. Their emotional state could be all over the place and yet, this is to be expected. The ideal would be for someone to define their own worth and not to let other people define it. Value What one person classes as valuable is not necessarily the same as what another person does. For example, one person might come to the conclusion that what another person does is valuable. If someone else was to come across the same person, they might say that what they do has no value. These views are going to be subjective in nature, and will depend on what each person values and/or what their current needs and wants are. But just because another person doesn’t believe in the value that one has, it doesn’t mean that that they have no value. The only thing it means is that they value something else, and as each and every one of us different, this is not much a surprise. What this shows is that it is not possible for one to be perceived as valuable by everyone. What happened? While letting other people defines one’s self worth might be normal, it didn’t just happen. There is a reason that one looks to other people and this is likely to be due to what happened in their childhood years. During these years, there is the chance that one’s caregivers only offered them conditional love. This means that they were not loved for who they were; they were loved for what they did. It wasn’t possible for them to just be and to feel valuable through doing nothing; they had to do things in order to feel lovable. Affirmation At this age, what one needed was for their caregiver’s to affirm their value. To show one that their value is not based on what they do or what they achieve, it is an inherent part of who they are. And through being affirmed in this way, one wouldn’t have the need to please others in order to feel worthy. It would be something that exists within them and not something they need to attain from anyone else. Awareness So if one only feels valuable when they are pleasing others, it will be important for them to reach out for support. As a result of what happened as a child and what has continued to happen throughout ones adult years, one might have trapped emotions in their body that need to be released, and certain beliefs that need to be changed. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. They can also provide the mirroring and attunement that one didn’t receive as a child and through this, one can start to realise their self worth.
Although human beings are made of the same things and will all pass on at some point in their lives, it doesn't mean that they all have the same level of value. And while there is inevitably going to be differences between someone who lives in a third world country and someone who lives in a first world country; there are clear differences in the same country. Differences in the same country can come about through where one lives, what their social status is and what their family of origin was like. And while these factors can appear to be unchangeable and define someone’s value for their whole life, there are numerous examples of people who have gone beyond these limits. Here, people have not let external factors completely control them and they have gradually moved away from what threatened to define them for life. This is unlikely to have happened over night, but by putting in the work to make their vision a reality, they came to see that they were more than their circumstances. Society However, while there are people who manage to do this and break free, it is not always due to the guidance or support of the society that they live in. what ones society defines as valuable could make one feel empowered, but it could also make one feel worthless. This can also relate to what society defines as beautiful. And if one doesn’t look a certain way, then they are not classed as attractive. The same goes for what ones physical appearance is like. And while the kind of childhood that one has will play a big part in how valuable one does or doesn’t feel, their time in the education system will also have a massive impact on how they see themselves. Education It is here that one can come to the conclusion that their value is based on how well they do with the subjects they have to learn and how well they perform in their exams. And a lot of this is based on regurgitation and requires very little critical thinking and the use of one’s own intelligence. So if one does well here, they could sees themselves as having value; simply because they have been able to jump through most, if not all, of the hoops that were laid out. And if one got caught in the hoops and was unable to jump through one, let alone a few, then they could see their value as being fairly low or even nonexistent. Defined By Others What this usually does is create the belief that one’s worth is defined by others. This is rarely something that one learns consciously; it is something that gradually enters their mind and without them needing to think about it. While one can get caught up in trying to please others, they are unlikely to be aware of the fact that they are giving away their power in the process. When one goes to school or college, it is clear that they are there to learn from people who are experts in certain subjects. So the approval they gain will be there to reflect their level of competence and it is therefore necessary. The Problem This is not a problem per se, what is a problem is when one ends up believing their value is completely defined by teachers, authority figures and other people in general. When it relates to a certain subjects, then of course they are letting one know how competent they are, but this is by no means a reflection of one’s true value as a human being. And through being in an environment like this for many years, one can come to the conclusion that their value is out of their hands. It is then completely in the hands of other people. Childhood But before one is even educated by society, their caregivers will have played a part in how valuable one feels. And while ones caregivers may have made them feel special, important and valuable, they could also have made them feel worthless, unimportant and a burden. When one is made to feel worthless, shame is also going to appear. This can make one feel flawed and that they have no value, or they could go the other way, and act is if they are the most important person on the planet. Behaviour If one feels that they have no value, their behaviour will reflect how they feel. And how one is treated by others will often come down to how they feel they deserve to be treated. They could end up settling in life and feel that they don’t deserve to exist, let alone to thrive. If other people are rude or abusive, one might feel that they have no other choice and that they have to put up with it. Self Definition So what ones childhood and the education system can do is make one habitually look towards others to define how valuable they are. And if one gets the all clear from others, they can have what they want or lead the life they want for example. But although this might be normal and what feels comfortable, it is not a healthy way to live. Not everyone is going to see one as valuable and some people, through their own limits, won’t want to acknowledge ones value for instance. To wait for another or others to see one as valuable and deserving of something, could cause one to waste a lot of time and to sabotage their own dreams. Self Worth This is something that one has to do themselves; another person cannot know ones true value, only they can. And as ones personal value increases, the world will reflect these changes back to them. In terms of how other people treat them and what they attract into their life. Awareness If one feels worthless or ashamed, then this is going to mean that they have trapped emotions in their body, and these will need to be released. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. One can also be assisted through finding a mentor or a coach to aid them in changing what their mind believes about how valuable they are. Reading books on self development or biographies about people who have achieved great feats can also make a difference. The main thing is that one questions what their mind believes and gradually defines themselves.
While trying to please others can be something everyone does from time to time, for others, it is the focus of their lives. What this person wants from life as whole or what they want to do from moment to moment is then secondary. The needs and wants of others are far more important than their own wants and needs. And perhaps this person has completely lost touch with their own needs, wants and desires, through becoming consumed by what others want. A Way Of Life To the observer, this kind of behaviour is can seem ridiculous and as something that wastes a lot of time and energy. It is clear that the people pleaser is neglecting their own needs, happiness and fulfilment, in order to help other people achieve these things. And yet to the people pleaser themselves, this is probably something that feels normal and therefore the right thing to do. It could be that they have always been this way and have never even considered that there could be another way. Or it could be that although they always put others first, it is not necessarily something that they consciously chose to do. And that it is something they feel they have to do and have no choice. Appearances On the surface, a people pleaser can seem to be a door mat and as having no back bone. And they can also be seen as model citizens and as examples of how to be. As they can be kind, keen to help and have no difficulty in getting along with other people. However, appearances can often be deceptive and belie what is actually going on within. The Forgotten Self So while it can depend on how aware the people pleaser is, as to how they feel about pleasing others, it is going to lead to the same consequences. And that is that, their own self is being forgotten about. One may feel a sense of anger, rage and frustration through not taking care of themselves. This could also alternate between one feeling as though they are being responsible and that it would be selfish to put themselves first. The Illusion That fact that a people pleaser always looks to put the needs of others before their own, can create the illusion that what they do has no personal benefit or gain. And that they are selfless individuals, unlike people who put themselves first. But, the primary reason that these people are putting others first is because of what it is doing for them. And not because of what it is doing for others. At a deeper level, they have learnt that it is only safe to put others first and that it is not safe to put themselves first. Associations The ego mind will have formed certain associations around taking care of their own needs and wants. And when it comes to people pleasers, these are unlikely to be empowering of healthy. So if they were to put themselves first, it could lead to the following associations being triggered: · That one would be rejected · That one would be abandoned · That it wouldn’t be safe · That one would end up alone · That one wouldn’t survive · That one would become isolated And as fears such as these exist, it will be a real challenge for them to look after their own needs. Causes What has happened in their adult years and their childhood years will make a difference here. However, the primary influencer is likely to be the childhood years. At this age, one is dependent on their caregivers for survival and so it is vital that they do as they say. Now, some caregivers will be more accepting of a Childs needs than others. And how accepting they are, will go a long way to defining whether the child will grow up to be a people pleaser or not. If the child is allowed to have its own needs, without experiencing a loss of love, acceptance and approval, then it will form associations that it is safe to have needs. But if the child experiences a withdrawal of love, approval and acceptance when it comes to its own needs, then it will form associations that it’s not safe to have them. In this case, the child will probably only be loved when they are taking care of their caregivers needs. Consequences These early experiences can then create an adult that doesn’t feel safe to have needs. And then the only way to feel safe is to look after other people’s needs, thereby recreating these early experiences. If they put themselves first it will lead to fear and of not feeling safe. Although years have gone by, to the ego mind, this is what feels familiar and therefore safe. And as long as these associations exist, it will cause one to attract people and situations that reflect the past or to interpret the present in the same way. Awareness If one is constantly neglecting their own needs in order to help another, it is unlikely to lead to a fulfilling life. Through being there for oneself, it will be a lot easier to assist others. The assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach can enable one to accept their needs and wants as normal and acceptable and not as something to be fearful of.
To be seen as perfect is very much a part of the of the modern day world. And this doesn’t only relate to one’s ability in life; it also plays a part in how one looks and in how one feels. Clear examples of this can be found in the media and the fairly recent introduction of anti aging products. To be wrinkle free, have the perfect skin and to never age, is gradually becoming the norm. The importance of exercise and looking after ones physical healthy has been around for many years. And this is something that has now been turned into another area where one must look perfect. Subjective Ideals These are just some of the things that are current society holds up as what perfection is. And upon closer inspection of these ideals, we can see that they are subjective. They are not objective and set in stone. When it comes to the perfect body, one person may come up with one description and for another person it may be something else. To perpetually look like a teenager might be what one person values; for another, having wrinkles will be a sign of having character and therefore accepted. Acceptance So through matching up to ideals such as those mentioned above of what perfection is, one will then get to feel a certain way and to gain acceptance. And as these are areas where one has the chance to receive high levels of approval from people, they are may appear to be the ideal options to pursue. But while perfection may be sought as a way to gain approval from others and to therefore feel good about oneself; it won’t necessarily lead to a sense of fulfilment. All that could be occurring is the regulation of one’s inner fears. A Mask Even though trying to be perfect is seen as normal and as ‘part of the world’ it is there for a reason. And one of the primary reasons for this is the result of what’s going on at a level that is invisible to the eyes. Through matching up to what is classed as perfect, it allows one to avoid having to face what it would mean to not be perfect. And this is something that can be subjective and at the same time there will probably be general patterns that exist. Meaning To not be seen as perfect can lead to extreme emotional pain and if these emotions, feelings or thoughts are not dealt with, there will be two options. Either one becomes consumed by the emotions and faces the consequences of being imperfect. Or they do all that they can to be perfect and this will lead to at least a temporary regulation of the unpleasant thoughts and emotions. So, in order to keep this process up, it is inevitable going to create a lot of stress, pressure and tension. High levels of anxiety and fear are also likely to exist. Associations What this comes down to is what the ego mind has associated around being imperfect. The ego mind forms associations around everything and once these associations are in palace, it will be what is interpreted as familiar and therefore safe. And to the mind there will be no other ways of being. These associations will trigger emotions and thoughts. Ones personal reality will be shaped by them and how one sees others will also be influenced by them. Examples While there can be numerous associations of what it means to be imperfect, there will be some common themes. And these can be: · That one will be rejected · That one will be a failure · That one will be unlovable · That one will be abandoned · That one will be unworthy · That one will be ignored · That one will be humiliated Causes The causes of these associations can be from what happened to one as an adult and what happened to them as a child. Perhaps one didn’t get something right as an adult and this made them feel that it wasn’t safe to get something wrong. And as a child, it could have been that one had a one of experience or multiple experiences of only being accepted and loved when they did everything right. So creating a mask of being perfect to feel safe then become a natural response to an unhealthy environment. By internalising the negativity around them, one came to believe that they were inherently flawed. And due to the ego minds dual nature, it caused one to try to be perfect as a way to avoid the pain that would surface if they were not. Awareness For as long as the ego mind has these associations around being perfect, one will likely attract people and end up in situations that mirror them. The mind is constantly looking for that which it believes to be true. And what is believes to be true is these associations. Although they are creating drama and pain in one’s life, they are what the ego mind is interpreting as familiar and familiar is what is safe. So at the deepest level; to go against them would mean death. This may require the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach. Or it may just be a case of becoming aware of these associations and then changing them.
When it comes to compliments there are some people who can accept them gracefully and others who completely reject them. It may be that one rejects all compliments or only compliments that come from certain people. This can relate to men who reject all compliments from women or women who reject all compliments form men. And then there is the work environment; where one may reject compliments from colleagues. Accepting compliments from friends may also be a challenge. So even though one may have a connection to someone, accepting their kind words can be no easier than if a stranger were to give them. Two types This is not to say that compliments are always genuine or are coming from clear intentions. But there will be times when the compliments are real and have been well thought out. Used as a sign of appreciation and acknowledgment of what one has done or who one is. There will also be times when a compliment is neither pure nor clear in intention and is simply being said as a way to manipulate another. However, for the person that can’t accept them it doesn’t matter whether they are genuine or not; because they are being interpreted in the same way regardless. Examples One may say something to another about how smart they look, how attractive they are or how well they are doing. Only for the other person to feel offended, uncomfortable and that they are being put down based on how they interpret what is being said. Interpretation And the operative word here is - Interpretation. To the person who is giving a sincere compliment there is likely to be one outcome in mind. And that involves sharing their view and making the other person feel good about themselves. Upon hearing a genuine compliment, one can do one of three things. This is to accept it, reject it or take it the wrong way.. The reason that compliments are not always heard for what they are is that they are often interpreted through ones ego mind. Associations And how something is interpreted will largely depend on the associations that one has around what is being communicated to them. These associations can range from meanings that are: positive, negative, dysfunctional and functional. As result of people having different associations for words, facial expression or vocal tones for example; it is then a natural consequence that compliments can trigger different meanings for people. Automatic The challenge here is that these associations are part of a process that generally goes on unconsciously and out of one’s awareness. So it is rarely an option to question whether they are accurate or not. It is for this reason that it won’t matter how true and empowering the compliment is. As the only thing the other person will experience is what is being triggered by their ego mind and not the true meaning of it. Causes This makes it a lot easier to understand the reason why some people can reject a sincere compliment or even take in a negative way. No matter how true the compliment is it won’t be going in; all it will do is bounce off. What usually forms these associations is an experience or experiences during ones adult years or when one was a child. This one experience or the accumulation of experiences will then define how one responds to compliments. These may have been extremely traumatic or may just have had a strong psychological impact. Adulthood Being around friends, colleagues or family that are negative can have a negative effect on one’s self image. It may be due to a one of occurrence or simply an accumulation of small things. And before one knows it, self doubt starts to arise within. Although before one could accept a compliment; as a result of these experiences or an experience, it become a struggle. And something that is questioned and no longer accepted. Childhood For people who had caregivers that were slightly or extremely abusive, it is likely that they had numerous experiences that would have formed a disempowering self image. Having a caregiver who was slightly critical and judgemental would also have done this. And it is not even something that needs to be traumatic; just accumulative experiences that seem insignificant can be enough to affect ones idea about who they are. One experience that had a traumatic affect can also lead to problems. Self Worth These experiences will have lowered one sense of self worth. Feelings of being unworthy, not good enough or inferior can be consequences. And now it doesn’t matter what kind of compliments are received, as they are all interpreted in a way that mirrors the dysfunctional perspective that one has of themselves. The other person may be perceived as being manipulative and insincere even when this is far from the truth. Awareness To be able to accept compliments and to know the difference between ones that genuine and ones that are not, one needs to let go of the past associations. Through doing this it will be a lot easier to be present and to respond appropriately to each situation. For some people it may require processing some deep trauma and for others simply being aware of how they are reacting to compliments; and from here consciously choosing to respond differently. There is plenty of assistance available; from therapy, books and speaking to someone who one trusts about this challenge. Thereby making the unconscious conscious and from here everything can change.
People who put others first are often revered and are seen as an example of how to live. The fact that they appear to always put others first, is what makes them different to people who appear to always put themselves first. This could be to do with helping a friend, partner or colleague at a local level. And at a wider scale this could include some kind of charity work. Ultimately, their position is not important, because they are always on the look out to be there for another, regardless of their needs. The Right Thing For the person who is happy to put others first and to deny their needs; approval is never going to be far away. Their behaviour is certain to lead to a lot of approval being received from other people. And this can then lead to one feeling that they are doing the right thing. The amount of approval that one receives may be used as a barometer as to whether they are doing the right thing or not. The Challenge One of the challenges of always putting others first is that one’s needs are being ignored and denied. And this means that one constantly has to compromise who they are. It could simply be a matter of habit and doing things for others may feel like the only way that one is worthy of having their needs met. Benefit Because although it may seem that there are selfless people and selfless acts, this is not the case. The great illusion of selflessness has been created, but part of being human means that we have needs. So everything that one does has a benefit or a perceived benefit to their existence. On the surface one act may appear as selfish and another as selfless and that is nothing more than a pint of view. The only way one could be selfless, is if they had no needs and in order for that to be true one would have to have stopped breathing. Approval For people who act selfless and are always looking to be there for another person, it often comes down to approval. This person has learned that the way to gain approval from others is to do what they say and seldom say no. It could also be a way for them to feel that they deserve to have their needs met and are worthy. So by being there for others, one may feel that the other person will be indebted to them; which will result in them getting what they want. Conflict However, playing this role is inevitably going to lead to pain. On the surface it may give one a sense of pride and even superiority over people who appear to be selfish. And to the onlooker, one may be described as a good person and model citizen for example. But within is likely to be a build up of anger, frustration and even resentment. This may be a conscious realisation or it may go on out of one’s awareness. And as soon as it appears, it is soon repressed and covered up. Associations The reasons for this behaviour and continuing to deny ones needs has to do with the associations that one’s ego mind has formed around needs and wants. Two of the most powerful associations here are guilt and shame. And it doesn’t have to go as far as asking another person for something, it may only be a matter of thinking about ones needs in order to feel guilty about them. So, if one cannot ask another directly for something, one will have to go about getting their needs met indirectly. Selfless Acting in a way that appears selfless can be a great cover up for people who feel guilty and ashamed for having needs. On one side they will appear as though they don’t have any and on the other side they will gain the approval from many people. This in turn could then lead to their needs being met; through this indirect way of behaving. But even though one may look happy on the outside, is often far from how one feels on the inside. Self Worth To always put the needs of others before ones personal needs shows that one doesn’t value themselves. Feeling guilty and ashamed for having needs shows this. One can feel like a burden and that they don’t deserve to exist. This is not to say that one’s needs are more important than anyone else’s needs. What it does say is that if one doesn’t feel they deserve to have needs and act on them; it is unlikely any one else will do it for them. Perception Of Needs The associations that the ego mind has around needs being a bad thing had to come from somewhere. This may be the only way that one knows and what seems normal. To be this way will also feel familiar and this is what the ego mind runs on – what is familiar. This is what is classed as safe and if one were to act in another way, fear would likely arise. Fear of rejection or being abandoned may surface as a result of this change. Childhood These associations would likely have been created when one was a child. How ones caregivers responded to these needs would have been a big factor in how one feels about their needs as an adult. If they were generally responded to and treated with importance: one would be able to develop associations that their needs are important and not something to be ashamed of or feel guilty for having. On the other hand, if ones caregivers rarely responded to ones needs or one was used to take care of the needs of their caregivers; very different associations would be formed. The consequences could be that one ends up feeling ashamed and guilty for having needs. And if one had to care of their caregivers needs, one may come to conclude that the only way to get their needs met is to please others first. This second example is unlikely to create a healthy sense of self worth. Other people will be seen as more important. And this sets one up for a life of compromise. As a result of having their needs denied as a child, one may grow up to be completely out of touch with what their needs actually are. Awareness Selfishness and selflessness are often put forward as the only two options; with one being portrayed as negative and the other as positive. But I think these are two sides of the same coin and are no better than each other. On one side you have a description of someone who only thinks about their own needs and has no interest in assisting others. And on the other is a person who denies their needs and is only there for others. Feeling comfortable with ones needs is important. If one is not comfortable it will only lead to denying their existence or to be so consumed with them, that there is no time to balance ones needs with the needs of others. These associations need to be changed and as this happens the perspective that one has of their needs will begin to change. Different approaches can be used for this. Reading, therapy and/or friends can assist with this process.
There are people who take just about everything personally and this doesn’t have to be the words that other people say. It could relate to how another person looks at them and what one experiences in the world around them. This can also relate to specific situations where one is being given feedback from another; how they are performing at work or the views from their family and friends for example. Two Sides So whether one is with someone they know and who appreciates them or if they are around someone they don’t know and are unsure of what their views are: the consequences are often the same. What is said is taken to heart and ones wellbeing is constantly being affected by the outside world. One may feel that they have no control over this whole process. Victimised It would be easy to assume that such a person is a victim and that the people of the world have got it in for them. No matter where they go or who they are with – there appears to be a hidden agenda. However, amongst this will be times when other people will say that it was heard wrongly or that another person didn’t mean it. And what pushes the buttons and causes an emotional and behavioural reaction in one person, may have very little affect on another person. Random Events For people who take things personally there are likely to be certain words, vocal tones, looks and behaviours that create a reaction. On the surface these reactions may appear to be random and to come out of nowhere. Interpretation The difference between people who take things personally and people who don’t is what’s going on in their ego mind. How something is being interpreted is what often makes the difference. The meaning that anything has is largely subjective and these are based on the associations that the ego mind has formed. And these associations will be triggered automatically and often out of one’s awareness. Catalyst So what this means is that the experience that one has when another person says something or does something is the result of what already exists within. And these external triggers are acting as a catalyst. But, as this whole experience happens so quickly and naturally it can seem as though it is coming from the outside and that one is just a bystander. It’s Normal And if this is an experience that one has got used to or has not known another way, it will seem as though it is normal and how life is. The pattern needs to be broken in some way. One has to become aware of another way of being and that there is a choice. Vulnerable As one is already carrying these associations in their mind, it means that they are already vulnerable and sensitive to what others say or don’t say. The world is then validating what they believe at an unconscious level. This vulnerability and sensitivity was probably created in ones childhood. Childhood As a child one doesn’t have boundaries and unless one is encouraged by their caregivers to separate they may never develop them at all. And this means that one cannot tell the difference between who they are and who another person is. So if one was brought up around caregivers that were abusive or critical for example; one would have no choice but to take this personally. This would have then caused ones ego mind to identify with the views of their caregivers and to take them personally. Boundaries And through being mentally and emotionally connected and having no boundaries, one would have felt wide open to whatever their caregivers said or did. One would not have been able to differentiate from what they were experiencing. Unless this has been looked at and one takes the steps to create boundaries, the same scenarios will be played out again. Because the words and actions of another person don’t have to have the same affect on an adult as they do to a child. However if one regresses to that stage as an adult it won’t matter if one is physically an adult; as one will revert to a different emotional age. Associations And all of the associations that were created during those years will be fired off once more. So even though the emotions, thoughts and feelings that are being triggered by a present situation can be way out of proportion; based on the ego minds associations they are appropriate. Awareness With awareness these patterns can be brought to ones attention. And from here the right assistance can be looked for. For some people this could be severe and for others it may be a minor challenge. And this will define whether a book is sufficient or if some kind of therapist or coach is needed. This can lead to boundaries being formed, as a result of letting go off the past. Self Acceptance While some people will respond in a way that one would like, others won’t. And this is why self acceptance is important. Other people will always have their views and opinions. And these are just that – their views and opinions, they are not the truth. And so one doesn’t have to allow what is not empowering or beneficial to their wellbeing to enter their mind. Ones inner world is a sacred space and needs to be protected. If anything is allowed to enter it will affect all that is good and nourishing. If disempowering thoughts already exist within it will be a lot easier for the dysfunctional ideas of the world to enter unnoticed. As the inner becomes clearer and better kept; what is not beneficial will stand out more. Behaviour The way one person responds to another person is largely based on their behaviour. And as human beings we are not our behaviour. Our behaviour is just an expression of where we are at in each moment of our lives. This means that, ultimately, nothing is ever personal. Our behaviour can always be changed. If our behaviour is not leading to what we want, then it can always be changed. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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